It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
