making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
