You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
