Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
