1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
