Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
