I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
