There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize
