I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
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