I just made out with a guy for $7.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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