you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
