i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
They took my balls.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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