Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
