then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
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