it hurts more in the daytime
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
