I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
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