Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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