How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
