I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize