I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Randomize
