Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
