i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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