If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
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