so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
