U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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