Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
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