i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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