were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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