I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
