weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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