I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
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