no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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