Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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