Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Randomize
