speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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