I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
