I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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