Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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