So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
