Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
