He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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