Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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