just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
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