The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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