she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
