Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
