i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Randomize
