I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
