We're facebook friends in real life
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
We had to coat check the pizza.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
