someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
