I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
