so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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