Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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