It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
