I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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