Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize